i feel like i'm running at full speed and yet i never move an inch...
how frustrating..

ate pipay once came to me and said that i am not the person she used to know. that I am a person on the road to being a morbid, hopeless, fearful,, and always sad being when i used to be positive, hopeful, brave and cheerful.. she said that she can accept me for who ever I am now. but then she popped a question...

"are you happy?'
i faced her with tears welling in my eyes... befor i could even mutter, "do i look like im happy?"


it was that confrontation that led me to realize that i am lost. I am there but I am not existing. I am visible but I am not GROWING. I am giving things I don't have. I am pretending to be fine without even knowing it.

This was a very painful reality for me. Specially when I see people who I ought to be, i know I should be, but because of everything I have done, or that i have failed to do, or that i am still not doing, or that that I do not wish to do at all, Im still here. A BONSAI. At practical jokes I might even be the biggest BONSAI.

after few days, i was compelled to open this to my pito-pito. i never planned to.. but it did came up... we had lots of talks for resolve but i know in my heart, it is all to no avail.



then the prayer seminar came up. I can still cleary remember what it said about a prayer. IT IS AN OVERFLOW FROM THE HEART.


but me and ate pipay skipped this. We talked outside. she allowed me to read her journal 4 or 5 years ago. I was just bewildered. If i didn't know that it was hers, i could have owned it. Those were the exact feelings I had, written on a notebook.The summary was that I was EMPTY.

and i knew all along what causes the feeling. I am riding on the guilt trip. I feel like I am not worthy of all the grace before me, that i should be punished too for what i have done. Because I saw a person who did almost the same thing and was punished. and i stand there seeing and feeling mercy before me. like im a drop in an ocean of it. My mind and my heart cannot fathom it. I can't accept it. It was too much.

and like a slap in the face, ate pipay said that if i am to deny it, im denying the power of the cross. The power of the blood of the spotless lamb, who for me, and for my sins yesterday, today and in the future, was shed. And yes. That is grace. Something I dont deserve yet I have becasue of His love.

I am forgiven.

love the way you lie

im writing this dahil nahihirapan na ako.. i dont want to bother anyone anymore and the only follwer i have is kuya kris and i so hope that he wont bother to read this...


its too much for me to take.. i gave up everything i have for him..
i was willing to go to the other side and leave my world just to be with him but it was not enough for him.. i understand that god loves me so much that he only wanted to spare me from worse pains but how about you? what is your reason mark?
is it to spare me from pain too? is to avoid hurting me so bad? is to make me have a better shot at happines? well if it is so, then thank you very much for all of these.. i just hope you never even bothered to step into my life.. you could have saved yourself all the efforts..

i hoped you even cared to talk to me before you left.. even just to explain why.. kasi hanggang ngayon, hindi ko maintindihan...andun paren ako kung saan mo ako iniwan..and the worst part is mahal na mahal parin kita...

so i dont want to see your face, to hear your name, what and how you are doing, no chats, no texts, nothing... i just want to make myself believe that you never existed.

sulong

i have a butterfly and i'm finally it letting go

it wasn't meant to be with me in the first place

it wasn't meant to lead me astray

i have something to finish, and i have got to go

i need to live my life as God wanted me to

i need to look ahead, forgive and start all over again..

this is going to be hard, but i'm ready to lift my foot for my first brave steps...

i just want to escape this part...

it freakin' hurts...
how i wish i can just run away...
i hat waking up around 3am, trying to sleep and
fighting all the thoughts...
it was one thing i thought was worth doing,,
how stupid of me to think, even for just a second,
to throw everything that really matters to me....

feeling lost...

UNDO

i focused on the score but i cud never win, trying to ignore a life of hiding my sin, to label me, a HYPOCRITE will be, only scartching the surface of who i known to be...

turn me around pick me up,
undo what i've become,
bring me back to the place
of forgiveness and grace..

i need you,

lead my hand,
i cant do this myself,
You're the only one
who can undo







what I've become...

finally

when God says no, it is useless and painful to fight for a yes.

i've told myself a thousand times that its over, but i never let go.
saying that i've moved on will be a lie. i kept on taking steps away only to find myself just where i moved. i know i have nothing to lose when i leave, niether do i have something when i stay..

God loves me so much no matter how i try to come back to my sin, He kept on making ways to keep me apart from it..
this time, it was my sweestest sin who left me.I know that i should be thankful that its over, but its as if its inevitable for me to feel sorrow.

I fear for alot of things.Although i know that there is nothing that i can do about it. on ly god can change the things that i fear. Only god can protect him from what i fear for him.


leaving is a choice, staying is a choice. And you can never really ask someone to stay or to leave. It is a choice they have to make for themselves...