i feel like i'm running at full speed and yet i never move an inch...
how frustrating..

ate pipay once came to me and said that i am not the person she used to know. that I am a person on the road to being a morbid, hopeless, fearful,, and always sad being when i used to be positive, hopeful, brave and cheerful.. she said that she can accept me for who ever I am now. but then she popped a question...

"are you happy?'
i faced her with tears welling in my eyes... befor i could even mutter, "do i look like im happy?"


it was that confrontation that led me to realize that i am lost. I am there but I am not existing. I am visible but I am not GROWING. I am giving things I don't have. I am pretending to be fine without even knowing it.

This was a very painful reality for me. Specially when I see people who I ought to be, i know I should be, but because of everything I have done, or that i have failed to do, or that i am still not doing, or that that I do not wish to do at all, Im still here. A BONSAI. At practical jokes I might even be the biggest BONSAI.

after few days, i was compelled to open this to my pito-pito. i never planned to.. but it did came up... we had lots of talks for resolve but i know in my heart, it is all to no avail.



then the prayer seminar came up. I can still cleary remember what it said about a prayer. IT IS AN OVERFLOW FROM THE HEART.


but me and ate pipay skipped this. We talked outside. she allowed me to read her journal 4 or 5 years ago. I was just bewildered. If i didn't know that it was hers, i could have owned it. Those were the exact feelings I had, written on a notebook.The summary was that I was EMPTY.

and i knew all along what causes the feeling. I am riding on the guilt trip. I feel like I am not worthy of all the grace before me, that i should be punished too for what i have done. Because I saw a person who did almost the same thing and was punished. and i stand there seeing and feeling mercy before me. like im a drop in an ocean of it. My mind and my heart cannot fathom it. I can't accept it. It was too much.

and like a slap in the face, ate pipay said that if i am to deny it, im denying the power of the cross. The power of the blood of the spotless lamb, who for me, and for my sins yesterday, today and in the future, was shed. And yes. That is grace. Something I dont deserve yet I have becasue of His love.

I am forgiven.